ToS on the High Seas
by Chaotic Blades
Summary: What if the world was an ocean? What if Botta hated fish? What if Kratos overslept! WHAT IF NO ONE WAS THE LAST OF THE SANE!
1. Chapter 1

Hi! This is Chaotic Blades here to bring you ToS on the High Seas. This is my first fanfic to be put up on fanfiction (my first eight or so being so bad I can't even look at them without my stomach tearing itself out in pain). If you don't like pure randomness then quit reading now. But since this is a parody, some things have changed.

There is more water. Therefore more sailing and a more frightened Raine.

Everyone is OOC. No last of the sane in this story! At the end of each chapter, all special OOC traits will be listed. (Some are hard to figure out.)

The whole plot of ToS will have changed by the time this story is even half over.

If you don't have good memory it might be a good idea to reread often because some of the most important events revolve around seemingly incidental details from such-and-such random chapter. Not to mention some characters will disappear right after they appear and show up later to rant about something nobody cares about.

(P.S. The first three chapters aren't really all that good so bear with me until the plot thickens. It's still important to read those chapters though.) So sit back, relax, and enjoy the randomness!

Chapter 1: What a fishy Occurrence

"It's time to set sail!" shouted the mayor of Iselia. For it was the day of Prophesy in the Seaport of Oracles. Half the village was in the forest for wood to build ships with the other half by the sea. I think that makes sense, no?

Meanwhile….

"Lloyd Irving, wake up. Lloyd!" yelled Professor Sage, "You were supposed to be finding this fishes adaptations!" With that she threw the fish at the sleeping teen in the back.

"Oh Professor, is class over? Can I go now? Dirk needs my help with the fish," said Lloyd.

"How many times do I have to tell you he changed his name to Hook!" She was about to continue when a golden, sparkling fish flashed.

"Silence," she said to the already quiet room," It seems the time for the oracle has come. Stay here and dissect this fish." Raine threw down a huge fish.

"Yes ma'am," droned the class. As soon as she was out of sight they began partying. Everyone except Lloyd, Colette, and Genis got an invitation so they were kicked out.

"Someone's coming," said Genis. They hid in some bushes. Some desians (renegades, actually) walked past. Once they were gone, the trio stepped out.

"Hey, let's follow them! We've nothing else better to do," remarked Lloyd,"And while we're at it, we'll help Colette!" And so they left. They bought no supplies, nor made any preparations for the worst (Typical lazy main characters.)

"Where is the Chosen of Mana?" asked Botta, wrinkling his nose. The old lady they had cornered smelled like _fish._ Captain Yuan always sent him on the fishiest missions. He HATED fish.

"I shall never tell you!" shouted Phaidra. It was probably the oldest, most overused traditional phrase in all of the Sylvarant Ocean.

Just then, they saw the Chosen fall from a tree. (Ouch…. Kinda sad though, isn't it? How _would _you manage it?)

"Colette tripped again!" chorused two voices. A kid in red and a kid in blue jumped down. Suddenly Botta remembered his other mission. Since Kratos's son was lost around here, he was to look for him. Taking out a picture of what Irving would have looked like he compared the two. Exactly the same.

"Uh, Lloyd? When you jumped down, you had to pull me along, didn't you?" said Genis.

"Sorry Genis. Thought you might want to come along. Let's go Colette!" said Lloyd. As everyone watched, he walked calmly into the Martel Temple. The sound of wooden swords was immediately heard. A monster staggered out and collapsed.

"Hey guys, what are you waiting for? Man, I'm getting rich! Without fish! Without any stupid, smelly, weird FISH!"

Botta nodded with each insult to fish. Genis and Colette waited a second and went in. The floor was littered with dead monsters. So many in fact that they destroyed the barrier.

---------------------------- In Derris Kharlan ---------------------------------------------------------

"How dare they!" raged Yggdrasill," They were supposed to have to go through that long, tedious puzzle to get the Sorcerer's Ring, therefore wasting several hours! _Now_ how is Kratos supposed to catch up with her? And why did he choose today of all days to oversleep?" Then he realized what he said. "Angels can't even sleep! I allowed him to get away with it because of an excuse that doesn't even work?!"

---------------------------- Back in the temple…. ---------------------------------------------------

"I see you have reached here bravely. But who shall protect you in this noble quest?" asked Remiel. He sincerely hoped she didn't choose the kid with the bloody wooden sticks.

"Lloyd of course! He got us here in minutes," she confided, pointing at Lloyd with his bloody wooden "sticks".

Since he had already finished his speech he quickly made his flashy exit.(Yeah, that's right. Away you slime! All flames shall be used to rid the earth of this vile scum wad!)

They all went through the portal. The professor was so engaged looking at the temple she didn't even notice them. They ran to the village to get some supplies. Colette ran into a man wearing purple armor and knocked him and her over.

"Are you alright Colette?" asked Genis. He helped her up. The man (Who am I kidding? We all know it's Kratos.) looked up in interest.

"Your name is Colette? Then you must be the Chosen," said the man.

"Yep," she replied, "And these are my friends. They're coming with me on my journey. Lloyd defeated every monster in the temple."

"Your name is Lloyd?"

"Yeah. I think Colette made that pretty obvious. And who are you to ask for my name?" demanded Lloyd.

"I'm Kratos, a mercenary. It's too dangerous for you to go on your own with so few others with you. The mayor has already agreed that I should go with you. He wanted me to tell you no whining."

Well then, how was that? I'm not going to beg you on bended knee to review, though anyone who wants to have my eternal gratitude (until I forget).

Anyways, just so you know, I do pick on everyone a lot but that doesn't mean I'm bashing them. The only people I'll make it a point to bash would be Remiel (heck, I'm writing a story that I almost gave up on but couldn't because of how well I was bashing that guy) and the mayor of Iselia, with a little Pronyma, Kvar, Magnius, and Rodyle on the side.

So as I promised I'll now list the special OOC's. (Not many are listed until later. Sorry!)

Genis: Hides from _everything._ (Another thing that will be more apparent in later chapters.)

Botta: **HATES FISH.**

Oh, and by the way? Don't think that's the end of the fish thing. Everyone has fish obsessions of some sort in this fic. And if you don't like spoilers, why are you reading this? I forgot to mention it earlier but there are end game and mid game spoilers _everywhere._ For now there's no harm done but please, please, please don't read even as far as chapter five if you haven't at least gotten to the soul mate scene in Flanoir.

I do not own ToS (noo!) or Remiel (thank god, who'd want him?).


	2. Chapter 2

I do not own ToS or fish. And sorry but this would be the shortest chapter. As in _short_. The third chapter is a little longer and after that they're all about twice the length of the first chapter. I think. Maybe. Probably. I hope…?

------------a--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Chapter 2: Time to Set Sail!)

"You're sure you have all your supplies, right Colette?" asked Phaidra. The crew of the ship the _Regeneration_ was Colette, Raine, Kratos, Lloyd, Genis, and Hook (Dirk)

"Yes grandma," said Colette. They then left on the ship.

"I'll be in the galley," said Raine unsteadily.

"No way. I won't let you near our food, you cuisine murderer!" cried Genis, blocking the way,"Come on, let's count the waves!" He started to drag Raine to the rail.

"No… no… AAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Everyone stared. "Professor Sage, are you afraid of water? Because about 90 of the body is water, or H2O. Most of the world is water too. And you can't survive without it." Said Lloyd.

"Lloyd, this is one of the few things that can make you remember lessons," commented Genis dryly.

"Captain Hook! We must head for Triet!" shouted Kratos.

"Thank you!" shouted Hook back, "But please, call me Captain Dirk! That Phaidra is the one who made me change my name. Said it didn't sound fishy enough."

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"Captain Yuan, don't you dare ever send me back there again," said Botta in a dead voice.

"What's wrong Botta?" asked Yuan nonchalantly. He was slowly eating a fish to torture Botta.

"_**FISH!**_" Yuan smirked. This was the guy with the anti-fish poster in his bedroom.

"What news on Lloyd?" he asked, still smirking over his practical joke.

"Oh, he's there all right. Raised by a dwarf, best friends with the Chosen, friend's a half-elf even if he doesn't know it. The usual cliché stuff. Defeated Yggdrasill's endless supply of undead monsters. Didn't even have to get the Sorcerer's Ring."

Then Botta strolled off, leaving Yuan behind gaping.

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"Your report?" demanded Yggdrasill.

"Sir! Though Kratos is traveling with them, this Lloyd character is the Chosen's official protector! You saw what that maniac did to the monsters of the Martel Temple!" sputtered Remiel, "My poor Casper. Why can't an angel have a pet ghost in peace?"

"Lloyd? That was the name of Kratos's son. This is useful information." Then Yggdrasill left to go check the records.

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Genis was the cook of the ship. Around lunchtime he disappeared into the galley. Raine was the Researcher in charge of finding out everything they needed to know for the journey. She was supposedly researching down in her cabin. Dirk was captain and navigator and he was plotting their course on a map in his cabin. Somehow Kratos became cabin boy and he was off doing whatever cabin boys do. And because Colette was the Chosen she wasn't expected to do anything.

That is how Lloyd, the watchman, ended up alone. He had been about to call down that he had sighted a ship when he was hit by an energy ball!

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Well then, nothing really to say. My shortest (and probably worst) chapter.

Lloyd: He actually knows stuff! Gasp!

Yuan: He likes to play pranks. (Not that he doesn't do that anyway….)


	3. Chapter 3

I do not own ToS or tomatoes. By now it's almost to the good chapters of this story. Almost. Next chapter is when it begins to get good. Then again, looking back now, my typed version is way better than my original writing in my notebook so I guess these chapters are actually pretty good.

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(Chapter 3: The Low-Security Rebel Base)

Lloyd woke up. He was in an unguarded jail cell. He karate-chopped down the annoying doors. Then he proceeded down the hallway. A chest! His eyes lit up. He karate-chopped that too. It was his equipment.

"Hey you! What are you doing?" yelled a random renegade. The fight was on!

"RISING FALCON! HUNTING BEAST! DEMONIC CIRCLE! SWORD RAIN: BETA!" The renegade was KO'd. Lloyd sighed in disappointment. (Skip several boring minutes.)

"Hm? What's this?" he said to himself. A renegade had dropped a strange object. "Whatever." Lloyd entered the hangar and pushed some random buttons. Out popped a rheaird! With it came an instruction manual.

Entry "Rheairds and Wingpacks" has been added to the training manual.

He put the rheaird in the wingpack and moved on. (Skip several more boring minutes.)

"Hey you!" Yelled another renegade. (Don't these people have anything else better to do? Geez….) Lloyd beat him up too. Then walked calmly through a door.

"Now what?" he wondered. His hand inched toward the on button for the gamecube.

"And just who the hell are you?" asked a blue-haired guy that Lloyd had somehow not noticed upon entering the room, despite there being a spotlight on him.

"Give me your name and I shall give you mine," said Lloyd, spreading his arms. _Now's my chance to try that spread-arm trick! He'll never know what hit him,_ he thought.

"Hahaha. You certainly have guts. But I don't feel the need to introduce myself to a miserable little creature like you."

"What a coincidence. Because I don't feel the need to introduce myself either to a moron who doesn't realize how pathetic he is."

"Why you little…."

"Well you shouldn't have called me a miserable little creature. I'm sure that if we just talk this over and get into about five or so boss battles we can settle this peacefully. After all, I never get into any unnecessary fights. And I'm not the least bit reckless."

"You smell of… fish! You're Lloyd, aren't you?"

"Under the circumstances, it would be wise to remain anonymous."

"That was a quote!" accused Yuan. Lloyd looked around anxiously. "No one has to know. Besides, who reads _The Purple Mercenary of the Kharlan War who was Friends with Mithos but has Faded Into Insignificance in Comparison to Our Famed Hero _these days anyways?"

"But you are Lloyd," stated Yuan.

"Yeah, you gotta problem with that? Because I know some really high-level techs." Just then Botta ran in.

"Sir, the Chosen's group has- is that the smell of _fish_" gasped Botta in horror.

"Yeah," agreed Lloyd disgustedly, "We have to eat it at every meal." The two of them shuddered. Yuan looked really weirded out.

"Botta? I'll… be leaving now," said the poor man in a desperate voice. He cast about for a reasonable excuse to do so. A light bulb flashed above his head. "My plans will be ruined if he sees me." Then he rushed out. Just in time.

"Lloyd, are you okay?"

"Are you all right? Are you hurt?"

"He looks fine," said various friends. Botta said some dramatic stuff (I'm reeaaaally getting tired of writing things that people say. Reeeeeeaaaaaaaally tired.) and the fight began.

"SONIC THRUST!" shouted Kratos.

"POW HAMMER!" cried Colette.

"STONE BLAST!" exclaimed Genis.

"FEIRCE DEMON FANG!" yelled Lloyd.

"STALAGMITE!" bellowed Botta. It was then Lloyd had an idea. "Shouldn't we use a unison attack?" he called.

"What's that?" chorused his friends. Kratos was worried. He'd had to forget all his techs so he wouldn't seem too good a fighter. But his SPOILER! SPOILER! son was on the verge of being more advanced than he had ever been.

"Watch this! BEAST SWORD RAIN!" Lloyd cried.

Botta was getting desperate. He hurled tomatoes and even (ugh!) fish! But the Chosen gobbled down the tomatoes (much to the disgust of Lloyd and Kratos) and Genis went at a fury at the fish (Lloyd and Botta shuddered).

Finally the fight ended. As everyone re-boarded the ship, Genis called out," Anyone want fish in tomato sauce tonight?"

He was rewarded by two very loud groans.

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Lloyd: He has all of his techs, both technical and strike.

Heh, heh, heh. Raine is the next victim of my madness!


	4. Chapter 4

Okay. I shall finally be starting on the longer chapters. **I don't own ToS, any songs from the 60's/70's, or grape juice. **Grape juice is such a clever invention, isn't it? Um, okay, anyways, enough about that. Grape juice isn't incredibly important right now. To tell the truth I'm just stalling at this point. I'm kinda new at this and talking about food is a nervous habit of mine.

Okay, shutting up now.

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(Chapter 4: Scary Scales)

"- a charted desert isle! With Kra-atos! And Dir-irk too! Lloy-oy-oyd and Noishe! The Cho-o-sen! The Professor and Ge-en-is! Here on Triet Iiiiiiiiiiiissssllllllllleeeeeeee!" sang Lloyd.

"Not again!" bellowed Dirk in exasperation. Lloyd had been singing that ever since they had escaped the renegade ship. To escape from the noise, Kratos had gone fishing. Now he returned with a huge fish.

"Look at the size of that fish!" crowed Raine, "Look at the luminance of the scales! MUST. STUDY. FISH!"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! The Professor's in fish mode!"

"FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!"

"Lloyd, I have to live with her!"

"Aaaaaaaahh!" yelled Kratos. Everyone (including Raine) stopped what they were doing and stared. Lloyd froze mid-jump in attempt to get overboard, Raine had been dissecting the fish, Dirk was eating a salami and cheese sandwich, Colette was putting in earplugs, and Genis was hiding from it all.

"He has a _tomato!_" shouted Kratos, pointing at Noishe.

"Bad Noishe!" cried Lloyd, still frozen, "Throw that nasty thing overboard!" Everyone unfroze and rescued Lloyd.

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Botta stared at a picture of his sister. He hadn't seen nor heard from her in twenty-two years. Rumors had it she had been at a ranch. But he never found her!

He missed her so much! She was so tough! She could beat him at an arm wrestle in less than five seconds! She had changed her last name to Arwing but he still thought of her by her real name.

"Where did you go Anna Irving?"

Irving had been such an annoying name to her. That's why she changed it.

"Anna."

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Noishe whined. He was scared of monsters on the shore. Slowly he backed into the sea.

"No you don't, old boy," said Dirk as he grabbed Noishe by the tail.

"You know, I wonder," began Lloyd, "Is Noishe really a dog? Because I've always thought he looked like a protozoan in arshis stage."

"Is that why his name is Noishe? Because they're both ancient life forms?" Asked Genis. _Now that I think about it, Lloyd's right._

"Yeah. The guards at the village entrance wouldn't believe me when I said he wasn't a dog."

Kratos looked uncomfortable. _I remember when I first found and adopted Noishe._

---------------------------- Flashback --------------------------------------------------------

He had been running down a riverbed to escape battle #893 (or was it 894…? The war had started a _loooooong_ time ago. It also helped there was a battle a day recently.) Kratos came across a fish. It seemed it could survive just as well out of as in water.

"I'm not sure what you are. Certainly not a fish. But I'll just call you a fish until I'm sure." And so he made the fish his pet.

------------------------- End Flashback ------------------------------------------------------

Botta crept cautiously into Yuan's room.

"Uh, sir? Could you please tell me … who Lloyd's mother was? And how she died?" asked Botta.

"Kvar forced Kratos to kill her," said Yuan. He wondered if the sight of all those fish had finally made him crack.

"And her name?" asked Botta eagerly.

"Anna Irving."

"What? Then- Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

----------------------- In his spare time… --------------------------------------------

"I am Botta! I ask that thou annulst thy pact with Mithos and establish a new pact with me." He waited. Undine nodded.

"Draw your weapon. I shall test your worth." Yay! Battle!

"ROCKBREAKER!"

"SPREAD!"

"ROCKBREAKER!"

"SPREAD!"

"Here!" he cried, using a miracle gel.

"Hey, that's cheating!" exclaimed Undine in a regular voice.

"The Boy Scout motto: be prepared!"

"I used all my gels up in the battle against Mithos!"

"Yeah, and it's only been four thousand years since then."

"Yes, and another fifty years until the Summon Spirit Supermarket reaches it's opening time again!" wailed Undine hysterically.

"STALAGMITE!"

"Very well, though you won through cheating. Make your vow and I'll give you the ability to summon me which is only useful as something to stop the plot from reaching total annihilation due to main characters tendencies to not being able to swim," explained Undine.

"For the sake of avenging my sister and killing Kvar, I ask that thou grant me thy power!" said Botta.

"Agreed."

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"Sunshine go away today! I don't feel much like sweating," sang Lloyd.

"Stop making fun of these old songs that probably no one has heard of anyways!" yelled Genis.

"We've reached Triet!" announced Colette. For a moment they all rejoiced. Then they noticed all the fish stands. And posters. And people wearing dorky-looking fish costumes.

"Get yer t-shirts! Pictures of the Triet sandfish!"

"We've got to get out of here and I've got a good idea of how," whispered Lloyd," Colette, you and the Professor cause a distraction. Genis take some gels and leave some gald for them (that is, unless you just want to ahem borrow them for the sake of world regeneration). Kratos and Noishe can scout out an alternant way out of the town. I'll book a reservation for later."

"Why do we need to escape exactly?" asked Kratos. The look of horror on Lloyd's face was quite plain.

"They've got tomatoes," he warned.

"Let's go," agreed Kratos hastily.

a---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Botta had some more spare time. Since he somehow couldn't find the control room (which is the classic place to go when sneaking in somewhere), he laughed evilly and planned on how to make Kvar suffer.

First- the bathroom. Botta looked and found it. Platinum blonde hair bleach. He grinned maniacally and starting pouring in grape juice.

Second- the clothesline. When no one was around, all of Kvar's cloths got stained with grape juice.

Third- the kitchen. Kvar's meals were prepared separately. Grape juice were in them now. Botta rubbed his hands together and sat down to wait. This would be a show worth watching.

a-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For a distraction, Colette fell through a wall and Raine gained some new fans. The mission of Kratos and Noishe was a success so they safely escaped from the freaky town of freakyness. No one really had thought to bring along things such as a map, fresh underwear, extra cloths, or deodorant so the smelly, sweaty, reeking, smell-totally-knocks-you-dead group wandered around for about a week looking for the Fire Seal so they could acquire a whole new universe of stink known as sulfur.

"Absolutely fantastic!" cried Raine in her girly ruin-mode voice," Look at the slab covering the entrance! It's clearly of a different composition than the surrounding stone! Plus, it's got fish carvings on it!"

She stood in thought for a moment before it hit her. "It's just as I thought! This is polycarbonate, developed during the Ancient War to defend against magic and fish haters! It's wondrous!"

"…," said Kratos.

"…," said Lloyd.

"Groan," said Genis.

"… um…?" said Colette. (Ooo, getting fancy.)

"…," said Dirk.

"…," said Noishe.

"Ooooo," said a random person as they ran away.

a---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

RAINE SAGE: She has fish mode as well as ruin-mode.

Lloyd: Also hates fish.

Lloyd: Sings whenever it's least convenient.

Botta: Is related to Anna.

Botta: Was a Boy Scout

Kratos: Does not lack the ability to scream like a like an ex-opera actress in the middle of a horror film.

I do not honestly believe that was how he found Noishe. I personally believe that while Yuan, Mithos, and Martel were saving the world they caught the attention of some king (probably from Sylvarant) and he sent along Kratos, a noble, as a sign of good faith. Kratos already had Noishe, who had been either a gift one birthday or was the family pet. After all, nobles would be able to afford a rare species (actually it wasn't until later that it became rare). Of course it could be that protozoans weren't considered pets, therefore he was a friend of the family.

Why does the king have to be of Sylvarant? Because that's the part of the world Kratos probably came from. Why did he probably come from there? Because when he escaped Derris Kharlan that's where he returned to. I don't think he would go to Sylvarant for any other reason 'cause the desians would be looking out for him. There's the possibility that he was trying to hide under their noses but that's highly unlikely. Kratos isn't as bright as people think he is (sorry fangirls!) and he would have been too frantic to think of that. And I doubt that it was just a mistake- Kratos is skilled with machines so wouldn't have any trouble with a warp.

Call it far-fetched. It's what I believe (no I am _not_ a fangirl of _anyone_, even if I may occasionally sound like one) it makes enough sense to me. Towards the end at least. The beginning really is just another wild, improbable guess.

…Wow that was long (for me)! Pat on the back girl!


	5. Chapter 5

Be prepared to witness a scary Kvar, Colette if she had emotional issues, and the ever-feared consequences of making angels mad. I don't own ToS, Bruce Almighty, or EMC2. (Be warned, titles will be getting long winded about now.)

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(Chapter 5: Efreet's Fried Fish and the Extreme Consequences of Making Angels Mad)

"Colette, place your hand here. It should reveal the entrance," stated Raine calmly. Everyone else had spent the last five minutes running around in circles. She had succeeded in freaking everyone out, except for Kratos who had stopped going insane the minute he bothered to listen to her rant.

"Really?" asked Lloyd. He was relieved that the ordeal was over.

"This stone has magic designed to recognize the Chosen. There's no doubt about it. Why do you think the people of Iselia eat so much fish? It clarifies the mana signature."

Colette put her hand on the tablet. The ground shook, scaring some of the Triet sandfish out of hiding. In an explosion of fire the door opened. The cheerful chosen danced around and accepted high fives from everyone.

"It opened! Wow! I guess I'm really the chosen after all! Hooray for Noishe, he's going in first!" cried Colette. She pushed Noishe through the opening. He started chewing his magic bone that gave him the power of human speech.

"I got the power!" sang Noishe.

"… He's even worse than Lloyd," groaned Genis.

"I knew he should have spent less time with that protozoan," muttered Kratos," It rubbed off on him."

"Hmm? Do you mean you know something about Lloyd's family and Noishe?" inquired Raine. She took out a genuine crystal ball. "His father had three friends named Mithos, Yuan, and Martel. They stopped a war 4,000 years ago, founded Cruxis, became the four seraphim, and spread delicious fish recipes to all! I'm also a fully qualified fortuneteller," she explained.

"The only problem is that the person she makes the fortune to is the only one who remembers what it was," said Genis.

Kratos sighed in relief, then followed the rest of them down into the seal.

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Botta was getting bored. Hours, and the most interesting thing was Kvar practicing opera in the shower. (Wait. That _is_ interesting.) His attention snapped back up as he heard Kvar get out of the shower.

"Yay!" he yelled loud enough for the whole ranch to hear him,"MY HAIR IS, LIKE, LAVENDER! NOW IT, LIKE , GOES _SOOOO_ MUCH BETTER WITH, LIKE, MY OUTFIT! THIS IS, LIKE , SO TOTALLY AWESOME!"

Botta blinked. This had not been the reaction he had been expecting. Plus, the fact that Kvar had a valley-girl accent was really creeping him out.

"My clothes are, like, purple. Like, I don't like purple. Only, like, lavender. Which is, like, the best, like, color in, like, the entire, like, world!" exclaimed Kvar.

"…," commented Botta.

"LIKE, DEATH AND DOOM TO, LIKE, ALL THE GRAPEJUICE IN, LIKE, MY FOOD!"

"…."

"Ooooo! IT'S, LIKE, SHINY!" cried the grand cardinal, pointing at an exsphere. "Like, what is it? Oh, wait, it's, like, an exsphere. Like, never mind."

"…." Botta wondered why Kvar wouldn't open his eyes farther than a crack.

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Lava dripped from the ceiling, oozing through walls and landing with a plop on the floor. Noishe whined, fearing the molten material. Sweat dripped down the faces of the destined saviors as they took in the pure heat radiating off the very floor to smack them in the face.

Then Lloyd sneezed. This'll now go back to being a run-of-the-mill, random fanfic with no description whatsoever.

"…," said everyone. While they were occupied saying this a monster ran up and attacked. Noishe's very weak, invisible barrier against monsters shattered.

"Let's go all out," said Lloyd," DOUBLE DEMON FANG! OMEGA TEMPEST!"

" Get 'em! AQUA EDGE!"

"DEMON FANG! SONIC THRUST!" (A.N: At this point in the fanfic you can tell Kratos from Lloyd because Kratos's techs will all be about 50 times weaker. Why don't I just write who's saying it? Been there, done that. After reading 'Lloyd yelled' and 'shouted Colette' and 'exclaimed', 'cried', and 'bellowed' about _a million times _I got reeeeaaallllly tired of it.)

"POW HAMMER!" One weak little enemy go bye-bye. "There. Heh heh heh." Then Colette noticed something on the ground. "A memory gem!"

"What's that?" asked Noishe.

Read the explanation on memory gems?

"Memory gem: an item used to unlock memory circles in the game Tales of Symphonia. You can sell them for one gald. Memory circles are used to save your progress. This is useful because If you are KO'd, or knocked out, you can return to the last memory circle you used. Memory gems can be found by defeating a certain monster in a given dungeon, though once you've found one you won't find any more in that dungeon," said Lloyd, Raine, Kratos, Colette, and Genis in unison.

"Whoa, Lloyd! How do you even know that?" gasped Genis.

"I don't know! What I do know is that EMC2…," replied Lloyd. He trailed off at the stares. "Let's go!"

"I hate genius Lloyd already," muttered Genis.

_Looks like he has his mother's ability to have information pop into his head after someone asks a question. Luckily for me, it appears that due to him have so much OOCness already it has weakened the ability to the point where the info. is _usually_ random, _thought Kratos.

Colette groaned.

"What's wrong Colette?" asked Lloyd.

"I can usually read minds!" she wailed," But I'm only an amateur at it so I didn't catch what Kratos just thought! Something about 'random' and 'mother'" Everyone sweatdropped. For some reason, Lloyd did it longer than most (hint, hint; hint, hint). Then they walked through the middle passageway.

A piece of dynamite was lying next to the walkway to the boss. It accidentally lit and went BOOM. (Yeah, simple words in case I have someone reading this story who's as clueless as Lloyd. Okay, that was a little harsh.) This created a simple path to the boss. Coincidence? Who knows.

Everyone warped. Colette did a triple-lutz warp, Lloyd a slide to homeplate (don't know why I added this, I hate baseball), Genis normal, Raine normal, Dirk normal, Kratos normal, and Noishe …ed.

"And this room is built with fish bones! Absolutely fantastic!" cried Raine.

"Is she in fish-mode or ruin-mode?" asked Lloyd.

"I think both," said Genis. He got ready to hide if need be.

Efreet appeared in a blast of fire and smirked. "Welcome to the fire seal! But before you can release it, you must eat my fish! They're hand-cooked!" He pointed to a sign that said _Efreet's Fried Fish_. He put a fish on his palm-up hand and it cooked.

"Eat up," said Efreet. While his back was turned, Lloyd fed his to Noishe.

"You may proceed."

"Trietian niiiiiiiiiights, like Trietian daaaaaays! More often than not, are hotter than hot, in a lot of good waaaaaaaaaaaaaaays!" sang Lloyd. Noishe made an offended noise.

"I give up," groaned Genis, throwing up his arms. Just then Remiel did his flashy entrance and opened his mouth to speak.

"Wait," ordered Colette," A more important question. Are you really my father?"

"Yes, my darling daughter Colette," he lied. Kratos made an ewww-gross face. Colette's however was turning beet red.

"Lying creep!" she bellowed," I can read minds! I'm not your daughter! How dare you? RAY THRUST!" The lights had for some reason shot down so she flew up to do the tech.

"Inferior being! I'm an angel of Cruxis and will not stand to be insulted! PHOTON!" shouted Remiel.

"How dare you hurt Colette?" cried Lloyd. He took out his wings and flew up. "DEMON FANG!"

"The exsphere from the Angelus Project?" asked Remiel incredulously.

"That's right."

"Enough of this nonsense! Useless inferior beings, PREPARE TO DIE!" bellowed Remiel so loud that all the anti-Remiel fans out there (you have to be one if you're still reading this) perked up and started sharpening their cheese graters and other implements of war.

That's when Kratos decided to step in. "I am Lord Kratos, one of the four seraphim of Cruxis! Harm them and you'll have **ME** to answer to! JUDGEMENT!"

"Fine! Be that way! You're mean," whined Remiel. He disappeared.

"That was interesting, wasn't it?" commented Raine.

"Yeah," agreed Genis dryly," I wish I'd known Lloyd was an angel beforehand though."

a--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Botta was still in shock over what he had heard. Finally he managed to gasp out," Kvar likes _lavender_?" Undine appeared (she likes Botta a whole lot more than Sheena so he doesn't even have to summon her _or_ be in overlimit).

"Yes," she said," Shocking isn't it? At the ranch, mothers use that to scare their children into doing things. Even desians. It's sort of the boogie monster of the ranch."

"Undine! Hey, I was wondering. Why were you awake? Why are any summon spirits awake? It's not like the Chosen is doing her job efficiently," commented a confused Botta.

"I got time off for good behavior. Same as all the others except for Efreet. He just threatened the guy in charge with a burnt fish."

"Oh-ohhhh." Botta ran out of the ranch. Kvar hadn't even lost his temper. That was disappointing but he'd live with it. Botta also stole some exspheres. Exsphere stealing was a hobby of his. He had his own private collection. A collection that Yuan tended to steal from when his outrageously underpowered troops needed them (which was always).

"Now I'd like to see Lloyd. Now that I actually know he's my nephew."

a-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kratos led the way out. They had barely gotten out of the underground, volcanic lake into the intense, skin-cancer-causing sunlight when Colette suddenly collapsed and went into a coughing fit.

"Colette! Are you okay? Was it Remiel's spell?" asked Lloyd anxiously.

"I'm fine," she lied. (Sheese, Colette. You're a sweet person but you lack a mind-shattering genius. It would have been _way_ smarter to have claimed to be tired from the battle and a little thirsty. Some people _**might**_ have in a million years+ fallen for it if they had blindfold over their eyes and had saving the world on their minds cough Lloyd Irving-Aurion cough)

"You certainly don't look fine at all!" cried Genis tactfully," You just collapsed and went into a coughing fit! Plus, you've got one bad sunburn. I can't wait until sun lotion and Aloe Vera gel is invented!"

"It must've been the fish" shouted Lloyd. He took out not his wooden blades, but swords made of frozen crystal (originally I made them ice, but hey- it's a desert, _deeeeseert_) that were each twice his height and wider than Cloud's buster sword from FF?? (not that I've ever played it…).

"Lloyd, that's ridiculous. Colette's been eating fish all her life. All of us ate the same thing as well," reasoned Raine.

"I concur," said Kratos and Noishe at the same time. Kratos glared at the grinning Noishe, who merely stuck his tongue out.

"Stop being idiots you two. Anyways, Genis you were supposed to mention the fact that Colette's face is completely white. I'll let it go this time because she's got the darkest complexion out of us all at the moment but you had better not slip up again. Now then, if I may say my line?" When no one objected she continued. "Her lips are turning purple. We must get her to a doctor immediately."

"No, that idea sucks. She might not make it if we do. Let's set up camp in the middle of the monster infested ruins before it gets dark," said Kratos.

Later-

"Kratos?" asked Lloyd. Said mercenary was relieved to see he had put away the swords.

"Is there something you wished to ask me?" _Don't ask about the mind reading. Or the fortune telling. Or anything that involves me._

"Are you _really_ one of the four seraphim of Cruxis who tricked Origin into giving them the Eternal Sword and used it to separate Symphonia into two worlds?" Lloyd somehow didn't notice the look of extreme shock he was getting.

"No," he replied," But Remiel sure was gullible wasn't he?"

a----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Colette: Can read minds.

Colette: Can't stand Remiel. (I was pleased to find I could kill the guy off. And she just didn't care?! Okay, I get it, she had lost her soul but even before she didn't care. I'm just glad she didn't give it a moments thought when she snapped out of it.)

Raine: Can read fortunes.

Remiel: Is an even whinier brat than Luke from TotA. (Once again, I'm not insulting anybody. I kind've liked whiny Luke. I only wanted to punch him during the 'great ambassador' bits. Other than that, I liked him better before he changed his personality, though I still liked him then. Luke, Jade, Asch, Guy, Anise, Tear, Sheena, Yuan, Kratos, Yggdrasill, Zelos, Chester, and Klarth being my favorite Tales characters. With the Abyss-ians coming in first.)

Kvar: Has a valley-girl accent.

Kvar: Loves lavender.

Lloyd: Has too much OOCness. (If some of these things can even be classified as OOCness.)

Noishe: Can talk.

Once upon a time this was going to be ToS on the Big Blue. Good thing I changed, huh?

I have nothing against Lloyd. Really. It just so happens he's an easy target. (Sort-of like Dist from TotA/ToA.)

**ALL FLAMES WILL BE USED TO SEND REMIEL INTO THE ABYSS OF DEATH! IF YOU ARE A REMIEL FAN **(do they even exist?...)** THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS OBVIOUSLY REMIEL-BASHING FIC?**


	6. Chapter 6

So this is the meaning of writers block. I'm on chapter 18 and even though I'm finally to the part of the story I've got the most ideas for, I can't seem to put them down. sigh So depressing. Anyways, don't expect any accurate details in this.

Oh yeah! I've decided that sometime soon I'll add a muse or something so you don't have to listen to me ramble on all by myself. You'll get to hear me ramble with someone else who is tortured by even the thought of it! Doesn't that sound fun? cough sarasm cough

I don't own ToS, Titanic, or Herb Chambers (the car business backs away from mobs of people swearing vengeance for implying that they don't know anything uhhh… I'll… be going now….)

a--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Chapter 6: A Fake Disco Pah-tee and Another Short Chapter)

"Noooooooooooooooo! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! NOOOOOOOOOOO!" bellowed Lloyd. It was lunchtime and he was tied to a chair, his portion of steamed fish being shoved in his face.

"And as for you," rasped the voice. The figure turned to Kratos, likewise tied. A tomato was hovering near his mouth. "Eat it!" mocked the voice.

"Never! You can't make me! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Kratos defiantly. The tomato loomed closer and closer, the figure all the while growing larger and scarier. He could almost see a face… almost… it appeared to be the most evil, hate-able face in the world…it was Remi-

He awoke with a start. His breathing was heavy and he would have cried with relief- if angels could cry. (What was with the sleeping…? I noticed that after it was too late to change it.)

"What can't we make you do?" asked Raine from the doorway. The entire gang, even Dirk, had gathered to witness the I'm-too-cool-for-the-world Kratos having nightmares.

"…." He was saved from having to answer by a huge crash that shook them all in the boots and made Genis drop a tomato on Lloyd's head. Of course this resulted in much screaming and a plot of vengeance that Colette gladly took part in. Genis ran from the fairy tales threatening to sappify him but it was too late to hide. The danger was forgotten till the ship shook again.

"What was that?" shrieked Noishe.

"Our ship accidentally went through a dimensional rift and landed in the movie Titanic! We hit an iceberg and are now going to sink down, down, down into the depths of the sea!" burst out Lloyd.

--Okay, now for a break in the not-so-quite action---------------------------------------

Yggdrasill burst out laughing at his brilliant idea. "That's it!" he exclaimed." We'll hold a disco party!"

All those angels started doing the robot expertly. Yggdrasill himself was actually doing the right dance (the disco, duh) to the music. Pronyma raised her eyebrows and slowly backed out of the room.

--And back to the action-------------------------------------------------------

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" screamed Noishe, being _soooo_ helpful as usual. ( cough sarcasm cough )

"That's great and all but what do we do?" asked Genis frantically.

"You attack the desians from here with magic!" said Lloyd, in an attempt to sound smart. (He didn't get enough sleep last night.)

"What desians?"

"… Good point. Maybe I meant that Pi is 3.14? Nah, that wasn't it. Ah! Aha! I got it! At Herb Chambers we got it!" he sang.

"What's that got to do with anything?" asked Dirk.

"I dunno," admitted Lloyd," 'I've got it' 'we got it', there's a connection. Anyways, what has anything in this fanfic got to do with the actual game it's about?"

"Practically nothing," answered Noishe.

"Exactly," said the smug teen.

"Touché," murmured Dirk.

"Did they all forget that the boat's about to sink that easily?" Kratos asked Raine mildly.

Raine shrugged. "Lloyd has a notoriously low attention span. As for the others? I guess all they need is some way to hint to Chaotic Blades that this is stupid and pointless to get them to forget what stupid, pointless situation she put us in just because she hasn't been paying attention."

All these conversations ended abruptly when the ship finally got around to sinking. (That's a good thing. I was getting tired of waiting for their conversation to end.) Despite being prepared for this, Raine burst into tears and grabbed the nearest person. Kratos. He sighed, having been through basically the same thing with Anna. He'd manage.

Lloyd and Colette took out their wings and carried Noishe. Little did they know Genis was hiding behind his left ear. Dirk used his fishing rod to latch onto a tree and reel himself to shore.

-------------------------Meanwhile Someone was Observing This----------------------

Botta watched as the _Regeneration_ sunk.

"No!" he cried. Then he had an idea.

"Undine! Help all of them except the Chosen and Kratos!" he cried in command.

"Sorry dude. They've all made it to shore already," she informed him, "Better luck next time."

"We have to follow them!"

"Very well!"

"And if you see them, yell 'tallyho!'"

"What are they, foxes?"

"Well… no. I just thought- hey, why are we talking without it saying who we are?"

"Because the Authoress is a lazy bum?"

"Ah. That would explain it."

-----------------And back to mass panic------------------------------------------------

"What do we do?! Whatta we do?!" panicked Noishe. They had all reached shore safely except for Kratos. He had been half-strangled by Raine. That's when Lloyd's special ability struck again!

"No! It can't be!" he yelled.

"What?" asked Kratos. _Oh god/goddess I hope it has nothing to do with Cruxis._

"The Desians and Cruxis are the same organization! This journey is all a sham and upon entering the Tower of Salvation, Remiel will make a lame attempt to kill us and make Colette Martel's vessel!"

"Slimy coward! I'll get you Remiel," swore Colette. She fingered a war hammer that she just so happened to have in her pocket.

"Here's the plan," began Lloyd, who, like in all Tales games, was somehow the leader in spite of his lack of knowledge and planning ability (I guess charisma is the only thing that really matters),"We go through the journey the way the storyline dictates. But… we prepare ourselves. Colette can use red contact lenses to fool people into thinking she's soulless."

"And what about me?" asked Kratos.

"You can just sit tight," said Lloyd as he and Colette smirked. After the fortune telling incident with Raine, Kratos had been thinking about his role in the journey. That was before he learned of Colette's ability. Now that they knew that Cruxis wasn't a nice little organization that gave out goodie-bags to those who accompanied the Chosen (something that Lloyd was very upset about) he didn't trust Kratos. Would you support an organization that killed people instead of giving them goodie-bags?

…That was long. Now back to the fanfic.

"Stop! Wait! Halt! Desist!" cried a voice. A woman jumped off a small cliff (ah, screw it, everyone knows it's Sheena). She regarded them coldly.

"What?" said Lloyd cluelessly.

"Is she a friend of yours Lloyd?" asked Colette.

"Not that I know of. Unless we met once and I don't remember it."

"I bet you _are_ friends!" gushed Colette," Remember the time you wandered off because Genis told you the moon was made of cheese and it had crashed into the human ranch? Remember how you got a concussion and had trouble remembering what we had learned in class that day?"

"Uh, Colette? I didn't remember that because I fell asleep in class like I always do," Lloyd mentioned in embarrassment.

"Oh yeah…."

"Is the Chosen of Mana among you?" intervened Sheena coolly (though there were sweatdrops on the back of her head.)

"Yep! That's me! You can tell 'cause I eat fish!" exclaimed Colette simply. She was in a cheerful mood, despite learning she would get no goodie-bag.

"So it's not just _him_…," she trailed off, "I mean, prepare to die!"

Colette tripped and landed on a lever, which set these gears going, which caused a robotic hand to pick up a stick, which poked a mandragora, which said,"Time to fly!" and pushed a button activating a catapult right beneath the confused assassin. She took off with a scream and landed with a whump three feet away. Colette ran over to see if she was okay and tripped on a red lever.

Of course we all know what happens when people mess around with things like red buttons and levers.

The trap door of the maintenance tunnel opened beneath the assassin.

"I'll get you my pretty and your little protozoan too!"

"…."

The evil Noishe then closed the trap door.

"Let's go!" cried Lloyd brightly, completely forgetting about the assassination attempt mere seconds ago. He took out his rheaird and they all scrambled on… somehow…. Anyways, they more or less reached Izoold. Lloyd's face was fixed in a disgusted snarl at yet _another_ fishing village. Dirk chose a random door and barged in.

"How can I quell these feelings? Aifread…," sighed a young woman.

"Aifread went to his hometown of Luin," reported Lloyd.

"Really? You're not lying to me are you?! Oh, this is my chance! Ha hahahaha!!!" Everyone …'ed as she rollerskated out of the house.When they next found her, she was yelling at poor Max.

"If you don't take me to that double-crossing cutthroat Aifread, I'll never buy your fish again!"

"Yay! More for me!" he cheered then instantly regretted it. Lyla began casting a spell.

"O holy one, cast thy purifying fish upon this unwilling soul. JUDGEMENT FISH!" she bellowed.

"Okay, okay! If you bully the Chosen's Group into delivering the letter I'll take them to Palmacoasta!" promised Max.

"I don't wanna be bullied," moaned Noishe as Lyla turned on them. "We'll do it just leave us alone!"

"Good little protozoan," she cooed, "Give mommy a little kissy."

Everyone once again sweatdropped for a bit. Then Lloyd cleared his throat and stepped forward. "We'll be leaving then…," he said nervously.

"Yah, run you cowards! If you don't deliver that letter I'll set me grandmother on you!" screamed Lyla. Once everyone was on board she added sweetly, "Have a nice trip!"

----------End Chapter--------------------------------------------------------------

It looks like fanfiction won't let me use those star things (the things above 8) so I guess you'll just have to try and makes sense of that when it shows up. sigh The cruelty

Kratos- Can somehow sleep. (I seriously was on chapter, like, eight or something when I looked back and saw whoops! I had made Kratos sleep in this scene. That was around the same time I noticed I never had them use the hotel reservations in Triet.)

Yggdrasill- Is a party freak. (Even if this party was incredibly lame.)

Lyla- Is bi-polar. (Hey, at least I tried.)

Max- Can see the Cruxis Crystal. (Originally he could recognize complete strangers at first glance but I was having trouble with that.)

…I'm pretty sure I had something important to say but unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) I forgot it. Uh, I guess that means bye!


	7. Chapter 7

CB: Okay! I've officially decided that TotA is the most addicting game _ever_. So because of that I'm going to have picks random name out of hat Asch be my muse! And hopefully I won't be a complete jerk to him like I've seen other people be….

Asch: Tch.

CB: Hey, I thought I told you to wear white. You know, like a real muse.

Asch: Shut up.

CB: Ouch. I called you out of your nice, sane, plothole-less game to see if this intro thing could get more interesting but this is just as boring as when I was doing it.

Asch: Shut up! Are you trying to insult me?

CB: Huh?

Asch: How dare you compare what I say to that meaningless drabble of yours! Whatever, I'm out of here. walks out

CB: The temptation to pull him back by his hair….

Mieu: Chaotic Blades does not own ToS, Jack and the Beanstalk, Lord of the Rings, or the concept of opposite day. Miieeeeuuuuuu.

CB: Isn't he adorable?

----------Start Chapter-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Chapter 7: The Weird, Psycho Imposters and Another Stupid Government Official)

"Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! We're under attaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!" screamed Noishe. Monsters the size of dust motes were attacking Max's boat. He may have been offended when Lloyd called the boat small, but it was a _paddleboat_ for goodness sake!

"Help, I need somebody," sang Noishe,"Help, not just anybody. Help, you know I need someone to heeeellp!"

"HUNTING BEAST! RAGING BEAST!"

"Get 'em! FIREBALL!"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine Professor."

"FIRSTAID!"

"POW HAMMER!"

"PSI TEMPEST! It just wasn't your day." Anyway, they eventually reached Palmacoasta and ran away from the paddleboat. Colette accidentally smashed into a blck-haired girl carrying a palma potion delicately by the tips of her fingers.

"Ahh! The palma potion we just received!" she exclaimed. Noishe ran up and slurped it all down.

"That's it," said Red-Head (no, not Kratos, the other red-head),"Bring us a replacement potion and maybe we'll let you live. Don't, and we'll grind your bones to make our bread!"

"Who are you guys anyway?" asked Genis. He was in hiding stance behind Lloyd, who was in his fighting stance.

"We are the Chosen's group!" announced Chainmail proudly.

"No you aren't!" protested Lloyd.

"That's us!" exclaimed Genis, who only got this line because he gets the least lines out of everyone (except for Dirk and some random people I have in the story once every five or so chapters).

"It's opposite day, dudes, pay attention! That makes you the imposters!" informed Mr. Arouse-My-Wrath.

"Even if it was, it isn't anymore," Lloyd told the slow Spike-Hair," Assuming it was opposite day, then saying so would reverse it. So now it's the opposite of opposite day and we're the Chosen's group!" He smirked proudly at that little twist of logic. Everyone blinked for a moment, then Genis's imposter stepped forward.

"Considering the fact that we are taking advantage of the terror of other's, now that we have been caught in it we should back down while we have both the advantage and the chance to escape." Then the imposters noticed that the people they had been trying to bully were gone. All except Genis's imposter – who's name was Erik – threw a tantrum. Erik had some sense so he skipped out of town.

--------------- With our motley crew of Sorta-kinda-not really-heros -----------------------

Lloyd and co. saw a weird guy and his gothic daughter.

"Mr. Governor/General Dorr sir!" squeaked a poor, ignorant boy (no, I'm not talking any main characters here)," Daddy's gone to the ranch and hasn't come back, even though I only broke five laws instead of my usual 27.5444672!"

"Yah, shut it kid," Kilia snarled. The boy stared. "You heard me! This pathetic inferior be- I mean, my all-important father here has promised to save every last brat in the ranch. The wimp'll manage it somehow. Maybe. The chance is damn well near zero."

Kilia was wearing black leather hip-huggers. And even though she was only six or younger, she was also wearing an extremely revealing bellyshirt. Instead of plain pigtails she also had a Mohawk with spikes. There was a spiked bracelet on her left arm and tons of chain jewelry.

"Kilia! Language!" exclaimed Dorr. Big mistake. Kilia slams doors when she's angry and this one's no exception.

"Let's go," she replied coldly.

"Yes dear," moaned Dorr. Kilia laughed evilly. They strutted off in a very evil, suspicious manner. Seeing that, the WRG (World Regeneration Group) decided that they must follow them. Unfortunately they got lost and somehow ended up in the academy taking a test.

_Question 1: Why do things fall? _Lloyd scratched his head and wrote _Because of Gnome's influence, known as gravity. Question 2: What was the first mayor of Iselia's granddaughter's cousin-twice-removed's pet?_ He proceeded to write the recipe for expensive, gourmet cookies.

"I shall now announce the test scores," said Dean the Dean importantly," Lloyd Irving, 25. Man you suck." Lloyd and Colette rejoiced over such a high score.

"What?!" yelled Kratos. Everyone stared as he snatched Lloyd's test paper. A strange expression slowly slid across his face. "You realize that for Question 153:_Who is the current Chosen of Mana_, you wrote in exquisite detail why it's impossible for a person with blond-haired parents to have black hair?"

Everyone sweatdropped and Dean continued. Then they all just left because they had finally realized they were getting side tracked. They ran all the way across town and went into Marble's.

"There's no way anyone would sell those nuts at a price that low! So go tell that to him!"

"Grrrrr…," said the desians.

"Leave now, and never come back!" hissed Chocolat Chocolate in a decent Smeegle impression. The desians left quickly. It helped that Chocolat had raised a battle ax.

"We tells them to go away, and away they goes, precious! Well, I'm off to work now Mom!" exclaimed Chocolat.

"I'm sorry for what happened. I'm sure you must have been startled," apologized Cacao Chocolate.

"Startled isn't the word for it," complained Genis from the ceiling. Everyone looked up to find Genis was holding onto the ceiling with toilet plungers, for lack of a better hiding place.

"Genis! That's not sanitary!" cried Raine. She jumped up and slapped him. The poor boy howled in pain. _Must… find… a bright… shiny…distraction,_ he thought in desperation. Then he saw it.

"Look! There's the book of Regeneration!" he bellowed, pointing out the window.

"Really? Let's go!" decided Lloyd. His face practically glowed at the thought of free stuff. This would hopefully make up for Cruxis' lack of goodie bags!

-------------------- With Botta ----------------------------------------------------------------------

Botta had been peer-pressured by Yuan to visit Tethe'alla and he was determined to hate it. (Little did he know the renegade leader had been reading up on unhealthy obsessions lately.) Oh well, at least their were no fishing villages. He was walking through the streets of Meltokio when he heard a voice shout behind him.

"YO, Botta! Hold on a minute!" shouted the voice. Botta groaned and set a timer for said minute. Not Tethe'alla's Chosen again! He heard the sound of marching feet and shook with laughter.

"Hey, bud. I see you're shaking in terror as usual. I hadn't realized how intimidating my body-guards and I were until I met you," continued the voice.

"I told you to stop calling me that," groaned Botta irritably as he turned around. Sure enough, there was Zelos and his body-guards- an army of walkin', talkin', skateboardin' _potatoes_.

"How's Sheena? Because the Authoress can't make any crack-pairings without her alive," announced Zelos heartlessly.

"Never start a sentence with 'because'" chided Botta.

"I'll do whatever I want bud," warned Zelos dangerously," And if you get in my way…." He held up a can of dolphin safe tuna.

"You wouldn't dare!" gasped the shocked Renegade. His face held an expression of such pure horror that Zelos felt sorry he had shown the tuna.

"Yuan's a nasty guy, isn't he?" asked Zelos, in an un-smooth attempt to change the subject. He threw away the can in remorse.

"No he's not!" protested Botta," Deep down inside he's a very, very nice person!"

"Helping assassinate Sylvarant's Chosen and his/her companions? Yeah. _Reeeeeaalll_ nice guy." They continued to argue it out for the next few hours.

-------------------------- With Lloyd and Co. -------------------------------------------------

"You did WHAT?!!!!!" screamed Raine. Dorr and Neil cowered guiltily in a corner while Kilia smirked.

"Our imposters don't have ordinary exspheres, let alone Cruxis Crystals!" shouted Lloyd. The two men shook.

"Have you any idea what you've done?" scolded Kratos. They gulped.

"Don't you ever pay any attention at all?!" demanded Genis. They collapsed to the floor.

"You're not going to give me free stuff?" sniffed Colette tearfully," HEARTLESS JERKS!" The full-grown adults prayed to Martel that they could grow turtle shells.

"There, there, Colette," comforted Lloyd.

"I'll get it back," promised Neil. He ran off and left Dorr to be yelled at.

----------------- 3 hours later…-----------------------------------------------------------------

Sounds of a scuffle reached the government building and stopped Raine in the middle of a tirade. Everyone stepped outside to see Neil fighting with Dramaking. Neil was clutching the book (which turned out to be little more than a case for holding a Regenerating the World for Dummies audio CD) and Mr. Imposter-Dude was holding it up in the air.

Poor short Neil.

All his fangirls noticed this and saved him and the book/CD/thing. All the imposters (except Erik) fought against the overwhelming odds of fangirls and lost. Erik hid in a Palma Potion barrel, which of course promptly floated away. Lacking the necessary world portal to get to Lake Town, he started on his journey to Luin.

Lloyd and Noishe crowded around the shiny, gold book in triumph (though they did nothing to help with it's retrieval.

"Cause I've got the golden bo-ok!" they sang together. Then Dorr, in an effort to redeem himself, took all the soldiers to go train. Guess who then caused a ruckus.

------------------- End Chapter -----------------------------------------------------------------------

I wish I could say I had writer's block, or my computer was broken, or something. But the fact is, I just didn't feel like typing. I got to Raine's 'Genis, that's not sanitary' line and then I just couldn't type for some reason.

Anyways, does anyone think I should continue adding muses? Should I have muses from the actual game? Should I have muses that actually do their job? Should I play this again instead of being glued to ToA? … Nah. Forget that last question.

Also, I have to edit chapter five, just to give you a heads-up. I forgot to type Kvar's reaction to the grape juice in his food (it was really good too).

Erik: He's intelligent?

Lloyd's Imposter: Is known by 5 different names. (I know it's lame, sheesh.)

Kilia: Is a Goth (no offense to Goths)

Sorry for taking so long to update. I couldn't figure out the stupid 'Image Human Verification' thingy. sigh It turns out all I had to do was type the number (which didn't work the first two times I did it).

And yet another note, I had to raise the rating (obviously). It's nothing serious but when I eventually get to typing chapter 9 (my undeniable best) I will have characters making comments that are a little disturbing. Like I said, nothing serious, but it isn't something 10-year-olds should read.

AND I WILL BE PICKING ON ZELOS, GENIS, AND YGGDRASILL A LOT! It's not out of malice, they just happen to be easy targets. Plus I like those characters (not that way pervs!) and I tend to pick on characters I like.


	8. Chapter 8

CB: Okay, first of all (and the only thing actually related to this fanfic) I'm sorry I didn't update sooner. I knew that I would hate typing up chapters but really! sigh Such a waste of brainpower. I wish I could just read it aloud or something and have my computer write it itself.

Anyway, for those of you who have played ToA (expect many, many rants on this), have you ever noticed that even though Asch claims to be nothing like Luke, his most frequently repeated end battle quote is "You're being a pain!" And I watched a video on YouTube that shows just how often they say 'shut up' and complain in the game. Luke+AschBAD TEMPER.

…Running out of things to say. Oh! I know no one cares (I wouldn't after all) but I do not dislike Natalia anymore. Her end battle quotes are said in a screechy voice and her stuffy language makes me shutter reminisces about all the throne room scenes in Baticul but now that I've had her in my party long enough to get used to her….

By the way, I wrote this around the time Pirates of the Carrib. 2 came out. Some of my chapters have specific references to the time I wrote them, beginning now.

Fine, fine, I'll get on with it. Geez….

------------- (Chapter 8: The alter-Ego and Ship-Shopping) -------------------------------------

They ran out to investigate the commotion. Dirk saw the desians and Magnius and got really mad. Well, more like absolutely livid. Moving on! He took out his hammer and got ready to fight.

"Get out of the way! Lord Magnius approaches," said an unimportant nameless desian.

"It's Magnius from the eastern ranch!" quavered some guy on the sidelines.

"That's LORD Magnius vermin! You ought to remember that next time you all decide to gang up on me," roared LORD Magnius. His face settled into a pout.

"Oh, oh no…. Only relatives of Remiel act like that! Is he…? Could he be…?" asked Noishe. Magnius heard and grinned, his sulk over.

"He's my older brother!" he exclaimed. He turned around to open a sack that was slung over his shoulder (at the same time revealing a fake tail glued onto his pants) and drew out of it a bag of acorns. To the surprise of all he started eating them, making chittering sounds all the while.

"As I was saying," said the desian impatiently, "This woman's daughter refused to provide us with genuine, out-of-this-world, honey-soaked, low fat, rich, creamy, fresh walnuts. Therefore, as her daughter once dated LORD Magnius, we'll execute her instead." At hearing this, Cacao kicked Magnius.

"You scoundrel! Keep your filthy, undeserving hands off my daughter!" He kicked her back. She kicked harder. He did likewise.

"SWALLOW KICK, EAGLE DIVE, SWALLOW DANCE!" In answer he took out his ax. And got hit with a huge boulder. A little boy standing nearby was throwin' 'em like there was no tomorrow. Next to him was a bag of peanuts.

"You little vermin! Gimme those nuts! _MUST... HAVE…PEANUTS! _I SHALL TAKE OVER ALL THE NUT ORCHORDS IN THE WORLD! NONE SHALL ESCAPE ME! YAHAHahahaHAHAhaHA! KYAhahakyaHAHAHAHEHEhekyeHAHA!" He laughed insanely. It was then that Chocolat o-so-conveniently ran up.

"Magnius, you, you… slimy jerk!" screeched Chocolat.

"Dear, sweet, Chocolat," sighed Magnius. Out of the blue appeared a bundle of roses and chocolate with almonds (almost as out of the blue as his mood swing. Hey, at least they were good chocolates!) "Please be my girlfriend again."

"Ew. Guh-ross." That did it. Magnius got tired of all the people picking on him so he grabbed Chocolat and disappeared with all the desians. Lloyd and co. exchanged looks and decided that they needed to buy a new ship. It's not like any plotlines had started up! Well, any major ones any way.

1 hour later….

"I dunno. It doesn't look like it's in very good condition," commented Lloyd. The others nodded in agreement. A slimy, rotten excuse for a ship floated (then again, who knows if it were really floating?) before them. It was covered in blood and macabre fish bones.

"Nonsense!" cried the salesman," The _Flying Dutchman_ is in exelent shape!"

"This guy's wasting our time," grumbled Dirk. In the end they bought the Isabelle.

---------------------- With Botta ---------------------------------------------------------

Botta snuck back into Sylvarant and headed to Palmacoasta. He saw the Isabelle and it's new owners. There was Lloyd! Botta dramatically leapt off his rheaird and drew it into his wingpack as he fell.

-------------------------- With the W.R.G. ----------------------------------------------------

Lloyd found himself grabbed from behind and dragged into a closet. He turned around and saw none other than Botta! "What are you doing here?" he demanded as he drew his swords.

"I needed to talk to you about…Anna," admitted Botta. He prayed to the real Goddess Martel (Martel/Mana/Giant Tree) that this would work.

"Mom? You're one of the desians that killed her aren't you?" accused Lloyd.

"No way! I doubt you'll believe me but she was my sister!" Then he had to run off because the angels of the group had broken down the door and were glaring hydra daggers. Might I add that those really, really hurt?

"Lloyd, are you okay? That mean old Botta didn't hurt you, did he?" worried Colette.

"YEAH, that's right, evil desian! RUN AWAY!" bellowed Dirk.

-------------------------- Dirk's Flashback -----------------------------------------------------

The Mundane Village: Ailes

Dirk lived in the center of town with his mother, father, many siblings, extended family, and some people he wasn't even related to. He knew more than the teacher (which wasn't too hard) and excelled at school.

One day his girlfriend, Etteloc Jayme, and his best friend Sineg lead him through the Ailesi Desert to go to the haven for escapees from the condo complex. Etteloc Jayme went to say hi to her friend Elbram, Sineg went for kicks, and Dirk went because of blackmail. They had his faithful cat Ehsion captive. Soon they arrived and talked to Elbram. But then Dirk noticed something weird.

"Hey, Elbram-" he began.

"He's known as young'n," nit-picked Etteloc Jayme.

"Young'n. Isn't that a keycrest?" He pointed to the decorative thing on his left hand.

"Yeah! I equipped it two minutes ago after living here the five years of my young life!" replied the puny boy.

"Yeah, that's definitely a keycrest!" exclaimed Dirk, completely ignoring Elbram," But there's no exsphere. A keycrest without an exsphere is pointless."

"Yeah, whatever," said Sineg. Thay all walked slowly away. What they didn't realize was that Lady Sutsycrof's spies were watching.

The next day a red-orange haired girl walked into the dwarven village with a million-billion-gazillion Desians!

"I am Lady Sutsycrof, one of the six Swell Cockatos. I'm an inferior human who rules over the condo complex where we feed you mannerly dwarves," said the girl courteously.

"Human?" muttered Sineg.

"You, Dirk Krid, and your friends Etteloc Jayme Emyaj Lenurb and Sineg Egas have violated the violate-a-treaty-a-day-without-violating-this-one treaty," she continued regretfully.

"What have you done?! HOW COULD YOU?! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TO VIOLATE SOME TREATIES?!!! NOW WE'RE ALL DOOMED! THE WORLD'S GOING TO END!" yelled the melodramatic mayor.

"What?!! You didn't murder the Chosen!" accused Sineg.

"Who's the Chosen? What _is_ a Chosen?" asked Sutsycrof in confusion.

"I don't know," responded Etteloc Jayme.

"Me neither, but all that matters is they didn't even try!" yelled Sineg

"(gasp) How could you?" she gasped.

"Do I have any say here?" demanded Dirk," Sineg is currently failing, Etteloc Jayme is getting C's, our teacher Eniar Egas is as dumb as dirt, and I GET 100'S FOR GOODNESS' SAKE!" He stood gasping for breath. Just then a green-haired girl wearing a yellow sundress walked into the village.

"Is something the matter? Because my name is Sotark Noirua and I'm here to help!" she said brightly. Lady Sutsycrof gave her one look of annoyance and then just quit.

"Now, receive your punishment," she said, dropping her script angrily. The desians cast Tidal Wave and even though Ailesi was inland, a tsunami hit.

------------------------------------- End Flashback ---------------------------------------------

"Dirk, why do you hate desians?" asked Raine.

"…No reason." Dirk sighed. "I miss Etteloc Jayme," he muttered," Ever since that jerk Dyoll Gnivri rescued her and Sineg I haven't seen either. I miss having to correct Eniar Egas while she was teaching."

"So you're pining, huh?" sniped Noishe.

"N-no."

----------------------- In Cruxis -----------------------------------------------------------

"Lord Yggdrasill, stop this immediately!" shrieked Pronyma.

"Pronyma, what's wrong?" inquired Yggdrasill. He began picking at his manicure.

"The whole world!" she cried and stomped off. Yggdrasill shrugged and went back to what he had been doing. He put the finishing touches on his apple pie, set it out on a silver platter, and left it to cool.

------------------- Later -------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little did he know Yuan was lying in wait of this moment. As soon as Yggdrasill left, Yuan ran forward and snatched the pie. Poor, poor, Yggdrasill.

------------------------------------ End Chapter ---------------------------------------------------

Dirk: Hates desians.

Dirk: Comes from an alternate universe.

Magnius: Is related to Remiel.

Magnius: Has an alter-ego evil squirrel.

Magnius: Can only be called LORD, not just Lord.

Chocolat: Is Magnius' ex.

Little Boy on the Sidelines: Throws boulders, not pebbles.

Yggdrasill: Picks his manicure. (He has a manicure O.o …?)

If anyone's curious about the whole alternate universe thing and how I got the names, just flip around the letters. See ya 'round!


	9. Chapter 9

CB: Sorry about the wait! This is my personal favorite out of all the chapters that I've written and in some ways my stupidest, most pointless, and least likely to make any logical sense in all. In short, it will be very funny in a 'the hell?!' kind of way.

Mieu: Chaotic Blades, I thought you were going to have muses!

CB: (sweatdrops) It wasn't working out…. I know! You'll be my muse! Oh, and if anyone wants to review and tell me how to make it so that the star-things (the little symbol above the eight on the keyboard) don't disappear, I'd really appreciate it! Well, not enough to hand out cookies (snatches cookies), but still, pleeeeaaassssseeeeeeeee? Oh, and by the way, I wrote this chapter looooong before the OVA came out so for those of you who've seen it (subbed or raw) I came up with Dirk's fighting ability myself.

Mieu: CB doesn't own ToS, a quote from the book _Listen Buddy_, _Star Wars_, _Ice Age,_ the recipe for cookies on the back of the chocolate chip bag, or_ Naruto_. Miiieeeeuuuuuu.

------------------ (Chapter 9: Ranch of the Squirrel and Ninja of Doom) -----------------------

Colette decided to save Chocolate and blame it on Genis, seeing as at the time the Authoress wrote this he didn't have a pairing. As we all know, Genis absolutely _must_ have a pairing because he's already a wimpy little midget mage who has to run to keep up with his friends when they're having a simple stroll (though oddly enough he and Presea are the two fastest people when running around in dungeons).

Anyways, after traveling over the Grasshopper Sea they arrived at… a giant nutshell?

"I had heard rumors that the Palmacoasta ranch was a nuthouse, but I never thought that it was true," commented Kratos.

"All desians are nutcases," said Dirk, pointing at a briefcase made out of a nut that some random desian was holding.

"Yeah. They're even worse than fish," agreed Lloyd.

Everyone got off the ship and onto Palmacoatsa Ranch Isle. Unfortunately, they got lost in the surrounding woods. The trees were the size of toothpicks, though some were even as tall as a footstool. Their daunting height struck terror into the heart of poor Genis, who promptly hid behind one.

"Here in the five acre wood, where LORD Magnius plays! You'll find the enchanted neighborhood of the desians brutal ways!" sang Noishe.

"Lloyd," said Genis," Before we do this-"

"I should replenish my strength?" asked Lloyd hopefully," I get cookies?"

"No. How did you answer Question 3 on the Palmacoasta Test: Who get the what from the where side of the where what?" asked Genis.

"Uhhh… the compass's needle points to the northern magnetic pole, created by magnetic rocks beneath the ground?" said Lloyd.

"At least the information was correct," noted Kratos. Since no one (including the Authoress) could think of a way to continue the conversation they decided to move on. Dirk forced Noishe to earn his keep by sniffing out the way to the ranch. But little did they know the place was booby-trapped….

"Yaaaahhhhhh!!!" cried Lloyd as he was buried under a pile of fat trout. The Professor's eyes lit up.

"FISH! FISH, FISH, FIIIIIIISH!!" screeched Raine.

"I don't know which is worse, the fish-mode or the fish itself," groaned Lloyd. Colette, in a streak of nastiness the world had never before seen, snatched the fish Raine had been about to slobber over and legged it. (Uh… in case that sentence sounds funny to anyone else, Colette stole a fish that Raine had and ran away with it. Sorry for the inconvenience… or whatever.)

"MY FISH! YOU INCONSIDERATE FOOL!" yelled Raine.

"Who needs a panic button? Wave a fish in her face," suggested Noishe. That turned out to be true. Raine's screams of rage went so high-pitched they set off an alarm.

"Nice going," muttered Noishe.

"Yeah, nice going!" agreed Dirk, unaware of the sarcasm. Some desians ran in.

"Hey you! You're wanted criminal #0013.87694231057 and a half, Dirk Krid! And he's wanted criminal #0074, Lloyd Irving!" exclaimed the evil sorcerer.

"Leave this to me," ordered Cap'n Dirk. He drew his hammer. "POW HAMMER! HAMMER RAIN! TOSS HAMMER! FROST HAMMER! ERUPTION HAMMER! HAMMER FURY! HOLY HAMMER! SPARK HAMMER! SPORK HAMMER! MJOLLINER HAMMER! CROSS HAMMER! DEMON HAMMER! **TRANSFER-ALL-FLAMING-REVIEWS-TO-THIS-ATTACK HAMMER!**"

Dirk continued. As the attacks grew more and more violent (not to mention long-winded), people got more freaked out. He single handedly defeated all the desians in the ranch except Magnius. They walked through at their leisure. Raine used her control room- sensing superpowers to find the warp that ordinarily Chocolat would lead them to.

"So, the un-forsaken Chosen and her entourage of vermin-who-aren't have finally arrived," said Magnius. He was lounging on a sofa and drinking…milk! (The variety made from nuts.)

"Vermin… who aren't?" murmured Kratos.

"You're the one who's forsaken Magnius. Dwarven Vow #7: Goodness and love will always win," said Lloyd in a cool way. Despite the fact that everyone else thught it was a pretty cheesy line. Yeah. Even Dirk.

"Ha! You only _think_ that, you person-for-whom-thinking-is-not-your-forte," sneered Magnius," My sweet Chocolat loves me. And in two seconds after I finish talking, my sweetie-pie-dumpling desians shall appear! I am not alone!"

Precisely 2.1 seconds after he said this, the zombies of the dead desians warped into the room.

"I shalt never love thou, LORD Magnius! Though I die o're a thousand agonized deaths, mine hatred for thou and thy ways shalt never see a cease!" proclaimed Chocolat.

Everyone but Magnius, Lloyd, and Chocolat tried to make sense of this whole scene. _Tried_ implies they failed. They did.

"Die evil ones, thy times in this world hast ended. DEATHWISH!" chanted Chocolat. The zombies re-died.

"Grrrr. Look what thou hast done! Though may be mine love, but thou shalt pay for thy actions against thine minions minions-to-be!" growled Magnius, firmly ignoring they had already been dead.

"Thou shalt not harm her!" cried Lloyd, unsheathing his mighty swords.

"Why is it that most of this conversation is losing me?" wondered Genis.

"Why are they talking like that?" wondered Raine.

"What's for lunch?" wondered Noishe.

"So Lloyd, why don't I change all these dead bodies into ranch prisoners? Just like that old lady you didn't save-just like Marble! Ha ha ha," laughed Magnius pointlessly.

"How dare you talk like Grandma that way?" yelled Chocolat," And you, Irving. If you aren't smart enough to be prepared then doom on you!" Upset to the point of insanity, she took out a melon and started munching on it. Blink, sweatdrop, blink went the confused Chosen's group.

"We won't let you lay a finger on him!" shouted Colette, the first one to recover.

"Uh, Colette? That's my line from when Mithos Yggdrasill is about to fight/kill Lloyd and I hit him with a fireball in the game Tales of Symphonia," Genis informed her.

"Hey! This is fun!" exclaimed the adorable Noishe. He was feeding Magnius nuts. Then the cardinal-who-isn't exploded from over-eating. Raine forced the building to do the same.

And that, my friends, is how the warrior protozoan caused LORD Magnius to meet his demise.

----------------------------- Later --------------------------------------------------------

The group headed to Palmacoasta to tell Dorr the good news. Now, because you never see the prison side of the government building, you never see the pay binoculars that give you clear sight into the dungeon area. So, when everyone decided to take a break, our ever-curious Chosen and her loyal minion Lloyd of course wasted 5,000 gald to peek through. The sight they saw was too horrible to behold!

---------------------------- In the Dungeon ------------------------------------------------------

"When will I have paid back all my gambling debts?" asked Dorr. Little did he notice the small group eating popcorn and watching the show.

"Not yet. Maybe if you'd stop gambling it all away at first chance you would be able to pay it all back. Ha! LOSER!" laughed the desian.

"This is the best I can do! The sky-high taxes, the offerings to Martel-who-isn't, the pay binoculars cost, my daughter's allowance! There's nowhere else to squeeze more money from!" complained Dorr weakly.

"My allowance!" squeaked Kilia.

"Fine, whatever. Jerk," muttered the desian. He stomped off with exactly one gald.

"Ow!" yelled Lloyd suddenly, clutching his jaw," I knew we shouldn't have stolen that popcorn from the nut-ranch! It's got nuts and- holy bovine! There's fish in it too!" He noticed Dorr staring. "What's the matter? You look like you've seen a phantasm."

"Lloyd, that line was almost clichéd," said Genis.

"Shut up Squirt," grumbled the by now annoyed teen.

"Neil! Dude, where are you? I wanted to play poker!" whined Dorr, very much like Remiel.

"Are you related to Remiel or Magnius?" asked Genis cautiously.

"Yep! Both are my son-in-laws! Why? Have you met?" he asked happily. Everyone first stared at him thinking, _Is this guy for real? Asking the Chosen if she's met the oracle, not to mention the fact we just busted up the ranch!_ Then they all turned to Kilia, who was eating a fish.

"Your five or six year old daughter is a two-timer?" worried Kratos. That made him nervous about Lloyd. _He does have a lot of girls fall for him in ToS, _he thought fearfully.

"Yup! Isn't that sweet? The more the merrier I always say!" exclaimed Dorr cheerfully. Even Kilia looked a little freaked out at that.

"Um, Lloyd? Could I talk to you for a sec?" asked Kratos. They walked to the other side of the room. "Lloyd, **I am your father**. Please. You're nothing like Kilia, right?"

"Don't worry. I'm not even dating yet." Kratos breathed a sigh of relief and they went back to join the others. Then he noticed how calm Lloyd was.

"Wait. Have you spoilered yourself on fanfiction again?" asked Kratos suspiciously. His son looked down guiltily. Kratos and Raine exchanged looks and she powered up a superslap. Kilia ran screaming in the opposite direction from the child abuse.

"Anyways," continued Noishe," We killed off Magnius, blew up his ranch, and stole his crappy popcorn. That's it in a nutshell! Literally."

"You. Killed. My. Husband," panted Kilia, pointing an accusing finger at Noishe," I wanted to kill him myself! I shall GET YOU FOR THIS! Had I killed him, Lord Prony- I mean, an anonymous individual would have married ME!" Kilia changed into a huge, evil GOTH OF DOOM. Then Dorr tugged nervously on her sleeve.

"Honey, you're not doing this right." He took out a time machine and brought them back. "You want to see my wife Clara?" he choked. Everyone blinked (as usual) at the sheer randomness of that. Dorr pulled aside streamers covering the dungeon door to reveal… human Clara!

"Wha-what's that monster!" screamed Genis.

"She's crying… she's crying out in rage. You mustn't call her a monster, OR WE'LL ALL DIE!" shouted Colette.

"Can we fight _yet_?" demanded Kilia. She impatiently tapped her foot.

"No. Anyways, I caught my wife possessing illegal arms so I had to lock her up. Law #8,942: _Any possession of futuristic weapons, except by waitresses at the school cafeteria, is illegal_. I had no choice!" explained Dorr. Seeing the look on Kratos's face (not to mention the painful-looking plastic sword) he decided now might not be the right time to be arguing his case. He bolted. Kilia changed back into the giant goth and attacked Noishe.

"Wolverine!" cried Noishe. With that one hit Kilia collapsed and dragged herself to Clara's cell.

"Lord Pronyma! Fine. I'll free this monster and let it kill you!" said Kilia. She laughed insanely and unlocked the cell. "TAKE THAT JERKS!" Clara walked out and abruptly changed titles. The green dress changed to a black ninja outfit.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Clara's Titles ----------

Mayor's Wife: Plain and simple. Your husband's an important rich dude, so you get to be a SPENDTHRIFT!

BUSTED!: … You did something illegal, got caught, and are serving time. Now tell me that doesn't sound fishy.

Ninja of Doom (currently in use): You're a ninja. Throwing stars, shuriken; you name it, you can use it.

-- End of Clara's Titles -------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Prepare to die, Irving!" hollered Clara. She took out a really big shuriken.

"Why me?" he asked plaintively. She paused.

"…I have no idea," Clara admitted finally," It seems to be a theme." Lloyd nodded his understanding and they began to fightninja-ishly. About two minutes in….

"Wait!" wailed Raine. Clara stopped mid-strangle and Lloyd stopped mid-kick. "How did you answer Question 5: _If asked to do something on the count of 999/333, what would you count to?_"

"Preheat oven to 375oF. In a small mixing bowl, stir together flour, baking soda, and salt. Set aside. In a large mixing bowl…,"he trailed off.

Raine sighed. "Go back to fighting." They went back to fighting.

"Go Lloyd!" (Genis)

"You can do it!" (Colette)

"Give her the old one-two! Whatever… that is." (Noishe)

"Show her how to fight!" (Dirk)

"Remember, throwing starfish are tools." (Raine)

"I would cheer you on but the area is too confined for a swordsman, though he may be an apprentice ninja, to successfully take on an expert." Everyone (including Clara) glared at Kratos for that. Then she used it to her advantage.

"FIRE STYLE! FIREBALL JUT- mmmmmphhhfffff!" yelled Clara. Lloyd had covered her mouth.

"Refry," he called. Kratos and Raine walked over.

"I'm sorry, but this is not a cross-over. You'll have to pay a fine," said Raine.

"You've forfeit the match. Pay up and be on your way," ordered Kratos.

"But my husband gambled it all away and there's no one to pay it to!" protested Clara.

"Just pay it to us," bossed Raine. Clara grumbled and took out her secret stash of birthday money. She walked moodily away.

THE TOS CAST GOT RICH!!!!!!!

In a corner Kilia finally died. And that is how Kilia, two-timing (and perhaps three-timing) wife of LORD Magnius met her end.

------------- End Chapter --------------------------------------------------------------------

Clara- Is human.

Dorr- Is a gambler.

Kilia- Is married.

Now then, all flames shall be used in Dirk's attack and to flame Remiel. So far I haven't got a single real flame. The closest are a couple sorta-kinda-not-really flames. And those don't count.

I know I said I wouldn't beg but… please review! I need feedback! Is it good? Bad? Awful? So horrible you want to go drown yourself in a lake?! PLLLLLEEEEEAAAASSSSEEEEE!!!!

Okay, I'm not that desperate. Still, it would be nice, right? Besides, this is my best chappie! You _gotta _review!

(sigh) Well, see you around! Eventually….


	10. Chapter 10

Yeah… I really haven't been updating recently. Okay, I haven't been updating at all! I meant to wait a week, which turned into two, which turned into several months… and I meant to update on the first day of school but somehow I got sidetracked…. Well, a loss is a loss! All I can say now is: Onwards!

---------------------- Start Chapter -------------------------------------------------------------------

(Chapter 10: The Mysterious Stranger of Mystery and Dirk's Life Story)

For the first time anyone could remember, Remiel had been right. Raine finally got around to reading the Book of Regeneration and discovered, to her joy (though no one else's), that they had to go to the Asgard Ruins. Like Remiel says umpteen times in this game (for those who listen), it was in distant lands. That is how Dirk, when he was relieved by Noishe (ummm… as in he's off-duty…. Seriously….), had time to kill.

------------------- Dirk's Flashback -------------------------------------------------------------------

"Etteloc Jayme! Sineg! Eniar Egas! Ehsion! Anybody except Dyoll answer me!" moaned Dirk. No one answered. So Dirk did the unthinkable- he visited the Renegades on the Teirt Ocean.

"I am Sohtim Lisardggy, leader of the Renegades. What can I do for you, Dirk Krid?" asked the purple- haired girl with a giggle. "Attob! Get over here!"

"Yes ma'am," she said as she scurried over. Attob was a white-haired girl. She had a sunny smile and wouldn't dream of scowling. She wore a black leotard and her weapon was… a four-foot stick of lipstick?!

"Lady Sutsycrof attacked Ailesi and destroyed it. Our ginormous military had been out making daisy chains in the fields. Now I can't find my friends. Can you help me?" asked Dirk.

"If you kill Alla'ehtet's Nesohc. Her name is Solez Redliw," demanded Sohtim.

"Without the Nesohc, the world will be regenerated," explained Attob," If she lives, the world will plunge into chaos. We can't let that happen!"

"I don't like this. Chaos will save the world, but hey, I'm an assassin for hire. I'm in," promised Dirk. He walked to Oikolem, a small fishing village. But he fell into a weird portal thingy. At first he thought it led to Tnaravlys, a country on the other side of the world. He soon learned otherwise.

------------------------------------ End Flashback ----------------------------------------------

"Boo!" yelled Kratos. Lloyd was slowly forcing him to lighten up. Now he could even pull practical jokes. Such as putting fish in Lloyd's bed and listen to him as he screeched girlishly.

"What are you so happy about?" asked Dirk. Kratos Aurion was square-dancing with Noishe in a fit of OOC cheerfulness.

"Kratos is on cooking duty," said Noishe," He's going to cook his specialty." Both grinned in anticipation of evilness.

------------------------- Dirk's Flashback -------------------------------------------------------

"Sineg! How dare you smash _my_ wall!" screamed Eniar. Klutzy Sineg had slipped on a log while destroying their evil school and smashed through his sisters fishing hut.

"It's your own fault for not burning down the school like I said," sulked Dirk. He was then beaten up by a frying pan. _If I ever meet anyone in the same situation, I swear I'll save them!_ he thought. In an alternate universe, baby Lloyd was contemplating what it felt like to feel a superslap, something he had witnessed his mother do to his father many times.

Little did he know he would find out soon enough.

-------------------- End Flashback ---------------------------------------------------------------

"DIIIIIIIIINNEEEEEEEEER!" yelled Noishe. Everyone sat down at the table. Raine was the first to take a bite. Heaven flooded into her mouth as she cried tears of joy. The wonderful taste was almost too much to bear as it lingered in her mouth.

Everyone else blinked at this abnormal reaction and looked down at the food. It was a taco with lumps of… uh… uh… _mystery_ in it.

"My specialty," announced Kratos grandly," Fish Taco Supreme!"

Colette clapped her hands, Genis gasped and hid under the table, Dirk took out a phone (_The Chosened Pizza Service_ was only a call away, after all!), Raine looked at Kratos adoringly, Noishe was obviously used to that bizarre recipe, Lloyd turned green and ran, and Kratos sat there confused by it all.

"See, Genis? I'm not the _only_ one who makes fish tacos!" exclaimed Raine triumphantly.

"You're both… insane," muttered Genis weakly.

"Are you insulting my beautiful fish tacos?" asked Kratos in a dangerous voice. He was once again the cold mercenary.

"N-n-no," stuttered Genis. He hid behind Dirk.

"YES YOU WERE!" roared Kratos tearfully. He took out squirt pistols. "Maybe not as fancy as the Sorcerer's Ring, but… ANYONE WHO INSULTS MY BELOVED FISH TACOS SHALL PERISH, AND BY MY SQUIRTGUN!" He glowered at the intimidated youngster and took out a huge cake. Lloyd had, by then, finally returned to the room. His eyes bugged out and he drooled so hard a hole was drilled into the plot.

"Nuh, uh, uh. No cake for those who didn't eat their dinner," said Raine sweetly. Dirk forgot about being captain and checked his watch. An hour more it would take for pizza!

Kratos, Raine, Colette, and Noishe all ate the cake.

And got sugar-high.

Got sugar-high.

Raine, Colette, Noishe, and Kratos.

Kratos.

Got sugar-high.

_Kratos_ is _sugar-high_.

"What's going on…?" muttered Lloyd. Colette collapsed into giggles. Colette collapsed. Isn't that fun to say? Uh, anyways. "What's wrong Colette?" asked Lloyd. Colette giggled even harder. It got worse with everything Lloyd said. The poor kid had a nervous breakdown (not unlike the one he had at Altessa's) and Colette began singing 'I'm not Wearing Underwear Today'. Yeah. Didn't need to know that. Especially with how similar you are to Grune. It might very well be true.

Noishe started bungi jumping off the crows nest screaming "I'm a cowboy!" Raine went into fish mode and Genis shot her with a tranquilizer dart. Kratos… well, I won't tell you what Kratos did. It would traumatize you all, especially the fangirls. I will however provide the dialogue.

"Kratos, don't put your tongue in a light socket!"

"Help, my pants are on fire!"

"Calm down Lloyd! If you run around in circles it will only make it worse!"

"God, he's eating more sugar!"

"HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPP!!"

"No! Put that down!"

"I'm being attacked by a giant fish taco!"

"INSULT MY FISH TACOS AND PERISH! SONIC THRUST!"

"I didn't insult your tac-oooooooooossssss!!!!"

"Sonic, how did you get here?"

"I don't know! Can't people leave a hedgehog in peace?!"

"Somebody stop him from kissing Noishe!"

"Ugh! What was that for?!"

"Hel-LO! My butt's still on fire here!"

"Look out!"

"Ahhh! He's got ducktape!"

"I surrender! Don't feed me to the tomato while my butt's on fire!"

"…"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"OMG, Kratos is trying to stuff Lloyd in the toaster!"

"Guys! Help meeeeeeeeeee…."

"Lloyd? LLOYD! NO!"

"We shall avenge you! HOLY-MOLY SONG!"

"I call upon skis in the land of the shed to unleash thy fury of -AHHHHH"

"GENIS!"

"I… can't go on…. I'm sorry… Lloyd…."

"You…. You…. I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS YOU- Oooo, pretty butterfly!"

"I'm bringin' sexy back!"

"KRATOS! Don't scar our minds like that!"

And so it goes on. Thankfully Genis stopped having a death scene long enough to shoot Kratos with tranquilizer. You truly are a genius, Genis.

------------------------------------ In Derris-Kharlan ----------------------------------------

"My lord, the unthinkable has happened," exclaimed Pronyma in a horrible falsetto.

"And what would that be?" asked Yggdrasil, once again picking his manicure.

"Kratos is… was… sugar-high," wept Pronyma. She hugged her lacy teddie bear and sobbed into it.

"How horrible!" he cried with dread," Has he kissed Noishe yet?"

"Yes. I've got it all on tape. From the fish tacos to the tranquilizer. Forgive me my lord!" She ran out of the room and started cackling. "Yes, forgive me. That was the funniest thing I've ever seen!"

------------------------------------- At the Otherworldly Gate ---------------------------------

An OC wearing a bright blue skirt and shirt with gold trimming walked along. Held loosely at her side was a normally hidden dagger. It occasionally glowed white.

"So. You've come, predictable as a moth to a flame Elvana," said a dark, shadowy stranger, the like of which one does not follow into alleyways or accept chocolate from.

"…Wow my lines are cheesy," she replied, looking at what the Authoress had originally planned for her to say. "Wait a sec, I'm supposed to be a fairy? Talk about cliché."

"Hey! Pay attention to me! You know those crimes you were banished for? I was the one who framed you for them! I did it all! IT ALL I SAY!" The stranger threw fireballs at her. Which all hit fish that just happened to be flying by at the time. Elvana scampered off while the stranger was distracted.

…

…

Okay, I can't conclude things well so….

------------------------------- END CHAPTER -------------------------------------------------------

Elvana- Coincidence follows her everywhere.

And so enters the sole reason I have writers block. The OC I only added because my sister wouldn't stop nagging me. The one I regret ever adding. Elvana. Ah well.

Once again, sorry it took so long to update. Please don't abandon me! –whimpers-


End file.
